If I had a million dollars...I'd buy you a house

People buy stupid things. Here are some of them.

• Fin giganticus. I laugh everytime I see some 17 year-old (or anyone for that matter) rush by me on a city street with a huge spoiler on the back of their car. It's even funnier when we both end up at the same traffic light again and again. Guess that expensive spoiler really doesn't make you go faster, huh?
• Ugly purses. No one, I repeat, no one should have a purse featuring cowhide or leopard print or zebra stripes unless you're a circa-1978 hooker named Chenille. And for the love of all that is good in this world, don't carry a purse that looks like the moppy top of a Shetland pony!
• Cellphone cases. What? You need a case for your phone? That's like knitting a sweater for a banana...it already has a case, it doesn't need one festooned with rinestones.
• Inflatable holiday decorations. This shit is just plain lame, okay? Talk about suburban blight! Hey, instead of spending hundreds of $$ inflicting this crap on everyone with eyes, why not buy a needy family a big Christmas dinner?
• Hummers. City gas mileage: ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the ones that feature a "support our troops" ribbon magnet on the back. I flip off all drivers of these steel Earth-killers on principle. What they really need is a ribbon that says, "Part of The Problem."