Extremely long-winded for a Thursday

When in doubt, and I usually am, my brain replays issues/problems over and over in my head; much like a Mobius strip record player, if you will. No matter how many times I play the song, the needle can never veer off course into some sort of ‘off-record’ answer or solution. Coupled with this is my emotional state. I have emotional troughs and crests just like everyone else, usually cresting in summer and falling low in the short dark days of January. Typically, these times are predictable and eventually overcome. This summer, while peppered with beautiful moments has been a bit dim, hence today's long-winded and angsty post.

I have to admit I long to be someone whose mental peace can be placated with a strawberry smoothie or a new pair of flats; instead, I am always simmering with existential and spiritual turmoil despite how much food I eat or any materialistic indulgence I may make. Do other people have this problem? In a world where children are taught to share their toys and respect each other and then grow up to be adults who create toxic waste, invade other countries, and make millions off the working poor's credit card interest, I question our raison d’être.

Some claim religion is something to live by/for. Sure, if there’s an afterlife, you’ve got a built-in reason to live a certain way and a specific goal to work toward. Religions offer guides to living—something quite nice for those of us that like direction. It’s possible. Some claim religion is bunk; that we’re here because of some great cosmic accident. Followers of this notion say we live in a certain way because we can and we should and that science will lead us to ultimate greatness/fulfillment whatever vague goal that is. Also possible. Oh, and I can’t leave out my favorite mental pogo-stick, the nihilist view---we’re here, we don’t know why, and who cares? Boing, boing, boing, boing...

I could go on and on but the question remains: Who/What am I? Am I a spiritual being with a soul and a mandate from God to live in a certain way that he/she has set forth? Is there a god? Why are there so many different religions, all claiming to be the right one? Or am I merely a collection of cells, tissues, and organs that work together so well they allow me to experience the world and discover things about it, the universe and myself? Or is all this mystery an interior dilemma? Am I merely a product of my own mind; do I exist only in the firings of random synapses? Am I just a consumer? A blip on the never ending (?) path of time? Or worst of all---am I my job?

I realize that generation upon generation of theologians, scientists, philosophers and the like, have grappled with these questions and come up with their own answers. Perhaps there is no answer—only a veil. Perhaps our means of understanding cannot encompass the truth (if there is one). Are we all just desperate to find something to keep us occupied until we die? Gosh, I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

Perhaps I should just shut up and go buy a strawberry smoothie? One with a little Prozac in it? A good old-fashioned chemically-enhanced brain-freeze should fix this problem right up.