Spoilers on a Blog

I saw Snakes on a Plane (or SOAP, as 'interweb' dorks like to call it) last night with Baby G & Mel-a-rific at the Alamo Drafthouse (who really got into this film). After pushing our way through the throng of people we found our seats and waited for the show to start at 10:15. But we had to sit through a bunch of "vintage" and "indie" cheeky previews, cellphone use threats, and other celluloid pretention first. Oh, and then through the actual previews. Finally, the film started. It was 10:42. Yes, 10:42 pm. I had already finished my basket of fries and Dr. Pepper by then.

Anyhoo, here's the part of the post that contains spoilers. So if you don't want to know what happens in SOAP, or you've never seen any disaster B-movies in your life and don't have that plot predictability skill that anyone who's seen Speed at least once has, then stop reading now.

Snakes on a Plane starts of innocuously enough: cheerful pop music plays over bikini'd betties on the beach, surfer dudes surfing, and an overly long dirt bike sequence. Of course, when the music stops, Dirt Bike Dude witnesses a murder. The murderer is, of course, an Evil Asian. You know, one of those badguys with the mini mullet who's got a gang of other tough looking Asians, knows marital arts, and threatens everyone around him b/c he's tough. Well, Evil Asian has to kill Dirt Bike Dude b/c DBD saw EA whack (literally) the Honolulu Prosecutor.

Of course, Evil Asian lives in LA and goes there after the murder. Samuel L. Jackson's character saves DBD from Evil Asian's goons and convinces him to go to LA to testify against Evil Asian. Of course, as you've already surmised, the plane ride there will be interesting, as the plane is full of hyper-agressive snakes. Of course, all the pasengers onboard are ridiculous 1-dimensional stereotypes who speak and act in cliches. Of course, the snakes in this movie can fly towards the necks of their victims. Yes, the snakes can fly.

Anyhoo, from the first snake attack where a big red snake bits a big siliconed titty, to the guy whose dick gets bitten in the lavatory, to the old fat lady who gets bitten in the eye, to the middleaged chick who gets bitten on the tounge, to Little Curtis who gets bitten on the arm, to the fat guy who gets bitten on the ass, to every other 14-year-old's fantasy of snakebite scenarios, the film is a feast of gore and airplane movie cliches.

Of course, Sam Jackson's FBI agent character saves the day. Of course, Julianna Margulies's flight attendant character survives her Worst. Day. Ever., and of course, Dirt Bike Dude teaches Sam Jackson how to surf at the end of the film. Evil Asian guy? Well, we're left to assume he got the electric chair. Plot holes? Oh yeah. Story resolution? Nah. Why bother?

Break-out performances: Kenan Thompson as Troy and Bobby Carnavale, that guy who played a cop on Will & Grace who plays, you guessed it, a cop in this film.

Worth seeing? Yes. But only if you go in wanting to see an over the top ridiculous B-movie. Unless you've been living in a cave for the past 6 months, you won't expect anything else from SOAP and you certainly won't be disappointed.